Monday, May 3, 2010

I'm still a woman....

even though I'm a mom and a wife.

I still want things, have desires and aspirations. I still have feelings, am self conscious and care about others. I believe a lot of who I am has been set aside so I can be a mom and a wife. I stay home to provide the best for my family. Somewhere in there I lost being myself. I became the responsible, disciplinary serious one in our house and I hate who it's made me become. How do I find a middle ground? How do I enjoy myself and my interests while still being a good mom, wife and housekeeper?

I would love to just go get my hair done, my nails done, buy new clothes, shoes, go out with friends, to the movies, to dinner but I sacrifice. I would love to be a beautiful woman again instead of this exhausted mom, housekeeper, wife. By the time I get to shower, doing my hair is time that the kids just don't give me. I never wear make up. I don't feel pretty. I used to think I was but now I don't feel good about myself. I'd love to lose weight. There is a lot going on in my head and I feel very overwhelmed with it all. The bottom line is everything from losing weight, eating right, to getting my hair cut and buying new make up takes money. And money isn't something I like to just spend on myself. I always feel that the kids need it and my husband deserves it before me. So I've put myself at the end of the list and even when I do end up getting something for myself I balance it by cutting my expenses short and buying something for either Jay or the kids.

I do the finances so I know when we're broke and I can't spend money on me or if I do have a little money to spend I feel guilty knowing we're tight or whatever.

I would love a new vehicle. I want something with more seating and space inside for the kids and all their stuff. I am feeling very defeated lately and it's depressing. The last time I wore make up was when Jay came home from Iraq in September 2009. The last time I had my hair cut was April or March of last year. I just don't take care of myself and I'm starting to really hate who I'm becoming. I feel dumpy and gross. Even when I'm clean and kinda put together I feel ugly. My clothes are ugly, my shoes are old and I don't feel good. How do other moms do it? How do they get to shower, do their hair, put on nice clothes and look pretty every day? I want to know. Someone tell me. Where do they get the energy and the time? For goodness sakes, I went to modeling school when I was a teenager but I just don't have the confidence anymore to look pretty. Even when I get myself dressed up I don't feel good now, I feel like I'm too far gone to come back to that self confidence that I used to have. It's like I want someone to just walk in and show me. Pamper me or make me over. LOL I'd love that. To be pampered and shown how because if someone else stands there and tells me this looks good or doesn't look good it will help me feel more confident in my own skin. I can't do that for myself anymore. Is it because I had kids? Because I gained a little big of weight? Or is this the natural progression of becoming older?

I want to try harder. I AM going to try harder but where do I start?


  1. I get what you are saying. except for the fact that I am yet to have any children I feel the way you do. The best thing for you to do is to start small. Put on a little bit of makeup even if it is just some coverup or eyeshadow or a little masscara or blush. The biggest thing to remember is that no one will notice but you. But you arent trying to make anyone but you feel better. With most of the ladies that I talk to if you spend that 5 minutes of less even on yourself you will feel a little better and feeling even a little better will give you more energy to do the things you have to do. I find that it can be as simple as taking off my PJs and putting on real clothes even if I am not going anywhere.

    As for spending money on yourself I totally understand. That is how I am. But the things you buy for you dont have to be expensive. They have makeup that is cheap that works just fine and clothes are easy if you dont mind second hand. I find a lot of clothes on EBay that are pretty cheap so you can get a lot of clothes for the price of 1 thing at the department stores. The only issue with that is the fact that some of them are not going to work for you when you get them home but that is okay because you didnt spend that much on them. And coupons are always you best friend in my oppinion.

    The only problem is that it has to come from you. You can make someone tell you to put on makeup and do your hair, dress up cute and shake your butt but if you dont want to then you wont.

    Small is always a good place to start. Like if you havent plucked your eyebrows in a while go do it right now. The kids will be fine with some toys in front of the TV. Then put on a little blush and lipgloss now or before your hubby gets home. Then do your toes even if you make a little bit of a mess even if they dont look like much more then a colorful blob. And lotion up all the parts of your body that you can see even if it is just your hands. Most of those things you can do while sitting on the couch so the kids dont freak out that they are alone LOL. And most important love yourself!!!!!! Even the not so toned mommy belly.!!!

  2. I must say, Anonymous gave some GREAT advice!
    I'll just may feel down in the dumps, but guess what? THAT'T OK! IT'S ALLOWED! It says so right in the handbook!! All feelings, good, bad, and indifferent, are yours, and are OK!! Know that you're LOVED no matter what or how you feel...about ANYTHING...about yourself...
    I love you Sweetheart, mil :)