I still want things, have desires and aspirations. I still have feelings, am self conscious and care about others. I believe a lot of who I am has been set aside so I can be a mom and a wife. I stay home to provide the best for my family. Somewhere in there I lost being myself. I became the responsible, disciplinary serious one in our house and I hate who it's made me become. How do I find a middle ground? How do I enjoy myself and my interests while still being a good mom, wife and housekeeper?
I would love to just go get my hair done, my nails done, buy new clothes, shoes, go out with friends, to the movies, to dinner but I sacrifice. I would love to be a beautiful woman again instead of this exhausted mom, housekeeper, wife. By the time I get to shower, doing my hair is time that the kids just don't give me. I never wear make up. I don't feel pretty. I used to think I was but now I don't feel good about myself. I'd love to lose weight. There is a lot going on in my head and I feel very overwhelmed with it all. The bottom line is everything from losing weight, eating right, to getting my hair cut and buying new make up takes money. And money isn't something I like to just spend on myself. I always feel that the kids need it and my husband deserves it before me. So I've put myself at the end of the list and even when I do end up getting something for myself I balance it by cutting my expenses short and buying something for either Jay or the kids.
I do the finances so I know when we're broke and I can't spend money on me or if I do have a little money to spend I feel guilty knowing we're tight or whatever.
I would love a new vehicle. I want something with more seating and space inside for the kids and all their stuff. I am feeling very defeated lately and it's depressing. The last time I wore make up was when Jay came home from Iraq in September 2009. The last time I had my hair cut was April or March of last year. I just don't take care of myself and I'm starting to really hate who I'm becoming. I feel dumpy and gross. Even when I'm clean and kinda put together I feel ugly. My clothes are ugly, my shoes are old and I don't feel good. How do other moms do it? How do they get to shower, do their hair, put on nice clothes and look pretty every day? I want to know. Someone tell me. Where do they get the energy and the time? For goodness sakes, I went to modeling school when I was a teenager but I just don't have the confidence anymore to look pretty. Even when I get myself dressed up I don't feel good now, I feel like I'm too far gone to come back to that self confidence that I used to have. It's like I want someone to just walk in and show me. Pamper me or make me over. LOL I'd love that. To be pampered and shown how because if someone else stands there and tells me this looks good or doesn't look good it will help me feel more confident in my own skin. I can't do that for myself anymore. Is it because I had kids? Because I gained a little big of weight? Or is this the natural progression of becoming older?
I want to try harder. I AM going to try harder but where do I start?