Happy Memorial Day

Today, to most is another day off of work. It's the beginning of summer, beautiful weather and cook outs. Those are all great and fun. But I want to take a moment to remind you what today is. Today is MEMORIAL DAY. It is the day for you to take a moment and REMEMBER those who have died for our country. For those who knew the sacrifice but made it anyway.

Every man and woman that is in our military has done so voluntarily and we need to remember what that means. They spend days, weeks, months or even years away from their loved ones. Not because they want to but because they know if they don't, who will? We love our country and our military is willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the security and preservation of our rights and freedoms.

So this is my Thank you. Thank you to not only the men and women who have fallen but thank you to the wives, husbands, sons, daughters, moms and dads that have supported and loved those fallen. Because they have also made a sacrifice even if the choice wasn't theirs to make. Thank you and God Bless every one of you.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY

Garden Week Five! Exciting!

So I decided to take my next set of photos for the garden! I had to go through my posts to figure out which week this is! LOL I should be keeping better track! Somewhere I missed a week for photos but oh well! Here are the newest!

This is a whole garden shot. Nope still no tomato cages but there are stakes all around the tomato plant trunk. LOL 

The second picture is that first tomato (and another) at it's current size. He's got a little while left to grow but he's looking YUMMY!

The third picture is my middle plant, it's finally got a little 'mater growing!

This is the last tomato plant growing it's tiny little tomato! I'm so excited already have 4 tomatoes bloomin! Hopefully I'll see more!

These are my cucumber plants! They are looking awesome! I may need to put some more ties so the vines don't droop to much once the cucumbers start weighing them down.

It's the start of a CUCUMBER!! YAY!

Baby bell pepper! WOOO HOOO!











Look at all those blossoms!

This cucumber plant is holding on for dear life. I think more ties are in his future!

 

Above is my watermelon plant... it's growing!

  They are all starting to grab a hold of the bamboo stakes I have for them to grow up. It's so awesome how these plants grow!

I'm so proud of this garden! I can't wait to do more! I want to plant a larger one next time! Maybe some cabbage or lettuce! This is so motivating!

-Traci

The Military Wife Poem

THE MILITARY WIFE

The good Lord was creating a model for Military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said: “Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What’s wrong with the standard model?”
The Lord replied: “Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both father, and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour’s notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location ten times in seventeen years. And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands.”
The angel shook her head, “Six pairs of hands? No way.”
The Lord continued, “ Don’t worry, we will make other Military wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband’s achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, “I understand’ when she doesn’t, and say ‘I love you,’ regardless.”
“Lord,” said the angel, touching his arm gently, “Go to bed and get some rest. You can finish tomorrow.”
“I can’t stop now,” the Lord said, “I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave goodbye to her husband from a pier, a runway, or a depot, and understand why it’s important that he leave.”
The angel circled the model of the Military wife, looked at it closely and sighed, “It looks fine, but it’s too soft.”
“She might look soft,” replied the Lord, “but she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure.”
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord’s creation. “There’s a leak,” she announced. “Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model.”
The Lord appeared offended at the angel’s lack of confidence. “What you see is not a leak,” He said. “It’s a tear.”
“A tear” What is it there for?” asked the angel.
The Lord replied, “It’s for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride, and dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear.”
“You are a genius!” exclaimed the angel.
The Lord looked puzzled and replied, “I didn’t put it there.”

I am a mother who has never given birth.

I am a mother who has had two c-sections, first emergency c-section and second by choice a repeat c-section. I am a breastfeeding mother who now also supplements with formula. I cloth diaper and make my own laundry soap. I garden. I am a normal woman with feelings.

Jayson was born on March 5, 2007 at 5:35pm via emergency c-section. I went into labor at approximately 10pm the night prior and started counting my contractions. I was happy, excited and oblivious to what was about to happen. I never thought I would ever have a c-section. Around 2 am my MIL drove me to the hospital and we waited about an hour for them to take me into their triage area. Once, in the triage area about an hour later, I was 4cm and counting. They gave me a labor suite and moved me in there. I didn't think I was going to be staying so we didn't bring my bags. My MIL went back for them, while she was gone (maybe 20-30 min) the anesthesiologist came in and informed me that if I wanted any pain medication, I had to decide now because she was going into a c-section and wouldn't be around if I changed my mind. So I said alright, give me the epidural. I knew going in that I wanted the epidural, I was fearful of needles and wanted my MIL with me but I didn't have the choice to wait. So I was given the epidural around 4am.  My labor was great and steady. Slow but steady. Sometime in the morning hours, the doctors brought in magnesium sulfate for my pre-eclampsia that was discovered via a 24hr urinalysis that I had turned in the day prior to labor. Then an hour or two later my labor slowed and they put me on pitocin.  Around 2:30pm my world changed. Nurses and doctors started to bustle around me and no one explained what was going on until I got upset. They had me moving from one side to the other to try to reposition the baby. But if I laid on the side they needed, his heart rate dropped and he would go into distress. I was at 10cm and "ready" to push until the surgeon came in and said I have to have an emergency c-section. My heart sank. I started to cry and say no I didn't want a c-section but they insisted, along with my MIL telling me that the doctors knew best. What was I to do at this point? The baby's head was stuck in  my birth canal and he was in distress. I signed the papers and they took me to the OR once it was ready. I hadn't slept since Saturday night and it was approaching Monday evening. I was tired, heart broken and defeated. When I heard the sound of my baby cry, I felt joy, sadness and desperation to see him. I couldn't see him because of the sheet they had up to block my view of the surgery. I held Jayson from the OR back to my suite. I breastfed with no complications and I slowly healed from my traumatic surgery. I had a beautiful healthy baby boy and I was so happy he was here, no matter how he got here. I love him and will forever have a special kinda of love for that day, along with a small aching twinge of sadness. Do I regret my c-section, no. I have Jayson and it was worth it. Do I wish things had gone differently? Yes, I wish I had been more educated on birth before it happened. But I can't change what happened, I can only learn and be educated for the next time. I was lucky to have Jayson when I did because my MIL flew out for her two weeks the morning before I went into labor. My mom flew in the following day for a week. If I had been two weeks late, I would have been completely alone and still possibly have had a c-section with out any help.

On December 22nd, 2008 I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I was bound and determined to have a VBAC. I searched high and low to find a doctor that would allow this to happen. I waited 13 or 14 weeks before seeing my first OB due to this search. The first OB I saw was not a pleasant experience at all. I told her my fears of another c-section, especially since I again would be giving birth with out my husband due to deployment. I now had a toddler to tend to along with a baby and a c-section made that seem impossible. When I told her these things, she had the nerve to say "Then why did you get pregnant?" I told her "It was a surprise to all of us" and she responded with "You know what a condom is right?".  So now not only am I dealing with having to find a doctor that will help me along with a VBAC but I'm dealing with an OB that tells me that I shouldn't have children while my husband is deployed?! Needless to say, I complained to the office manager and switched OBs. That's when I started seeing Dr. Davis. She was a wonderful doctor. I loved her as my OB. She told me how she felt with out being harsh or cruel. She gave me her opinion when I asked for it but followed my wishes. Until I was about 7 months pregnant, our plan was to do a VBAC. That's when other components of my life came into play. My husband was deployed and it wasn't looking like they were going to give him leave and he would miss another one of his child's birth. So in hopes that with a set date and a Red Cross message, he would be sent home for a surgery birth. I booked a repeat C-section. It was looking awesome! He got approved for the leave from his company, and from his battalion. He had to go see the Sergeant Major of the Brigade to discuss his leave for this date - Aug 17th, for the birth of his child. A sacrifice I made for my husband to be home for this and they denied him the leave about 4 weeks before I was due. His company commander tried to get him on ADVON to get home before I gave birth, that was denied because they wanted people who would go back and set up for the brigade coming home, not people going home for personal reasons. They tried to get him on the first flight home with the main body so he would be here on time. I didn't find out he wouldn't be on ADVON until it was to late.  He was on one of the last flights for his company/battalion, in September. I drove 14 hours from Newark, OH to Fort Riley, KS just 4 weeks after having surgery so my husband could see his little baby boy. I skipped my 6 week postpartum check up for this. This c-section was the easier of the two. Recovery was a breeze and I felt great just a short week after having Elijah. I had help via my mom and mother in law because they knew when to ask for time off of work in the horrible economy and I again was not alone going through recovery of a c-section. What if I had gone through with a VBAC and it had ended in a c-section? What if my family didn't have the option to drop what they were doing to come to me to help through recovery? My experiences were the best they could have been. Don't try to make me feel bad or guilty for them.

For those of you who push natural birth onto other women, you don't know their circumstances. Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that women should be given more education on the birth process but do that before they have been hurt and scared. Do not make those of us who can't change what has happened to us feel guilty or bad for the decisions we have made (educated or not). I would go through with Elijah's c-section all over again for the slightest of chances that my husband would have been there. I knew the chances were slim but that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. That makes me an awesome mother.

I breast feed. I breastfed Jayson until he was 11months old and that's when he switched to cow's milk. He and I weaned together. He was ready to be on his own doing his own thing, since he had been walking for 2 months already. I exclusively breastfed him so I didn't think twice about whether I would do it again for Eli. Eli had lots of "issues". At first he had jaundice very badly and I had to have him on a biliblanket for 4 days to help eliminate his jaundice and help him pass the bilirubin.  I also had to breastfeed him every 2 hours until his jaundice was gone, until the tests came back clear. Not many women would do that but breastfeeding for me was my way of feeling complete as a mother. Eli had reflux and colic. He cried and puked all the time, no matter what I ate or did. He was on medication for reflux until he was 6 months old. Then he got teeth and started biting me. Around the same time I started losing my milk. I tried to increase my supply through teas, drinking lots of water and taking prenatal vitamins and nothing was working. My child was hungry, screaming crying at me and I felt helpless. There was nothing left for me to do. I broke down and I now supplement. Our life is better because of the bottle or two a day that my son drinks. My son is a happy, healthy baby. He's a screamer but that's just him and I've come to terms with that. He doesn't cry because he's hungry and I'd rather not go through that night crying when I realized that I couldn't do what my son needed. I couldn't feed him, he was hungry and I didn't have the milk to feed him. I am a better mom for recognizing my weaknesses and not letting my child suffer over my pride.

I am an advocate of educating pregnant women, women trying to conceive and new moms. Don't dwell on what has happened but what is to come. If I had known more before having Jayson, I may not have had epidural and never had a c-section but I can't change what has happened. I can only share my experiences in birth. Maybe they will remember them and know what to do when the time arises.

Please don't try to make me feel guilty for what has happened to me but understand that I did what I had to do and I have two beautiful baby boys. Share my experiences so other moms know if it happens to them, what to do and what not to do. And if their birth ends in a c-section, do not spread hate and anger but understanding and sympathy. C-sections are usually not our first choice, it is usually our last chance or hope.

37 days...I took Jay to the Airport this morning...

I've gone through two deployments, numerous TDYs, CQ Duty and random phone calls at all hours of the day & night. The military may upset me from time to time but I'm still standing. The time away from Jay doesn't hit me the way it used to. Of course I still love my husband and I miss him terribly while he's gone but I don't dwell on that and let it take over my emotions. If I spend the last week before he leaves in this upset emotional mess, what good is that? There will be low points when he's away that I just miss him and I want him home but I try not to make that a 24/7 type of thing. I go on with my days and I hold my head up. I know some of you might be reading wondering why in the world I'm writing about this when he's only going to be gone for 5 weeks (37 days). It's because yesterday Jay made the comment about me not acting like I'll miss him when he's gone. He needs to understand and I think maybe others need to hear the wife's side. Of course I'm going to miss him. Of course I feel pain that I know I'm going to be on my own with out my partner for 5 weeks but if I let go of this hold I have on my emotions I will go to the extreme other side. I won't be in control and I'll be sad, weepy and depressed. I dropped him off an hour ago and I'm already sad thinking about how long these 5 weeks are gonna be.

I have two little kids I have to take care of. If I act like spending 5 weeks away from "Daddy" is the end of the world, it will effect the kids too. I don't want it to. I want them to be strong through these because this will not be the last and most definitely isn't our first. So Jay, I do miss you but I can't act like it because Jayson will see that and it will make things harder for him. The boys need to see a strong Mommy who doesn't break down when Daddy goes away to super hero training. :D

With that I have to say, every service member and civil servant in this country is a super hero to my family. We appreciate and support you. Thank you to all of you no matter who or where you are! My children & I will always know you as super heroes! :)



Now on a happier note, my garden is GROWING!! LOL I know that's typically how it works but I'm absolutely amazed that I can actually grow stuff. It looks like I might even get a few tomatoes out of my garden! WOOO HOOO! Here are some photos from early this morning:

One last thing, We are trying to sell our motorcycle. If you or anyone you might know is interested in buying a 2007 Honda VTX1300C with around 6K miles please let me know! Here is a photo of the bike up for sale!

Check out the blog I made for Diaper Parties!

I miss & love you so much Jay. I hope these 5 weeks go by quickly and you enjoy them while you are away.

-Traci

Amazing Weekend

Friday was a bit of a hectic day. We tried to buy a van. LOL Yes, I said Tried. We tried and failed. I knew better. We have one income and two vehicle loans. The motorcycle and the truck. We would prefer to keep the truck and most dealerships won't take a motorcycle as a trade in. Oh well, at least we tried right?

Saturday, we went to the farmers market with some friends. It was fun but pretty hot. I got tomatoes, corn, watermelon, a loaf of jalapeno cheddar sour dough and 2 small home made bars of soap for the boys. I was just gonna get one bar of soap but Jayson bit one when I asked him to smell it, thinking it was a candy bar. It was hilarious, we all got a good laugh including the vendor operator. LOL We were there about 2 hours and by that time I was dying. LOL It was pretty hot. Jayson needed to use the potty so we found some port-a-johns and by the time we were done, I was melting! I forgot how hot those things get. It reminded me of using the port-a-john in Kuwait. GEEZ! When we got home, I made sandwiches with some of the bread, a tomato and some lunch meat. WOW! It was amazing! Then we got to cleaning because we were going out that night and our friends were gonna come over to baby sit the boys. For some crazy reason, Jay and I got into an argument and called off going out. Stupid of us because we ended up going out anyway with the kids. LOL We argue to much and make silly rash decisions before talking it out and seeing if we simmer down. Oh well, we live and we learn don't we?  So we all went out to Red Lobster and had a blast. I'm glad we ended up going out with the kids because they were actually really good. Jay's going to training for a while and it was a good thing for us to all do something as a family. We ended the night with Halo 3 & beer. Always a good time in the 'O' Household. :)

Today started out lazy. Jay and I played halo 3. We had watermelon and cinnamon toast for breakfast. The boys played around on the floor with each other fairly well today. It was just a great day. Then I decided I was gonna make lasagna for dinner so Jay & Jayson ran to the store for a few things. I also made an ice cream cake. Dinner was delicious and easy. I for some reason get lazy and stop cooking nice big meals for a small span of time and when I come back to it I forget how easy it really is. The lasagna isn't hard so I don't know why I don't do it more often. It is one of Jay's favorites so I should at least try to make it once a month. Now the ice cream cake was amazingly simple and fun too. I'm impressed! I'm gonna have to start making it for when we have guests over. I hope my friends like ice cream cake!! Eli's in bed but that was the hardest part of the day. He fought it hard. I think the poor baby is teething or going through a phase because he's been a grump when it comes to bed time. I feel bad but sometimes I have to let him cry. If I let him cry for a few minutes then go up there nurse him and rock him, I can lay him down and he goes right to sleep. I guess it's kind of a ritual for us. But if I go straight to the nursing and rocking before he cries, he doesn't go down. Funny how that works huh?

Just a little side note, if you are interested in checking out the banner to the right of my blogs please feel free. It's the website that I am a sales consultant for. I will be receiving my kit of cloth diapers shortly and am open to book some parties so you & any of your friends may take a look at them to see which ones would fit your lifestyle. I'm planning on having an open house after June 1st for anyone in the area that would like to come and check out the different types of diapers. Please feel free to email me about anything on the website or setting up a party date.

Playroom

So yesterday I decided to start cleaning around the house and getting it into better functioning order. Jay is going to be in training so I want things to go as smoothly as possible while he's not here to help me with the kids. So that being said, I unpacked the last 6-8 boxes yesterday and cleaned out the guest room. We've moved the toy box into there and set up the jumperoo. There is still a little bit of shuffling needing to be done but I'm sure I'll have it in good order come next week. I need to go to my mom's to get a bed she offered me for Jayson and then sometime I plan on finding a futon or some kind of seating to go into the play room so I can sit in there and read while the kids play. I like the idea of not having a bunch of toys in the living room when Jay and I sit down to watch tv at night so that's why I decided it's time to set up a play room. Also, I'm tried of Jayson's room being a disaster area. It's a pain to try to put his clothes away when I'm stepping on wrestlers or cars, or trying to put him to bed! Oh It's a nightmare. At least if I get that seating in the play room, I will have a place to sit and make sure he cleans up. He doesn't do so well when he isn't being supervised. I moved so much and cleaned so much that I'm actually sore today. That's kinda crazy to me. I didn't think anything I was doing was that strenuous.

Yesterday, being Mother's Day started out alright. Jay made breakfast and it was delicious but that was pretty much it for Mother's Day. On with our lives! Then this morning, Jay wakes me up at like 5:45am asking me if I had seen his motorcycle helmet. Last time I know it was accounted for was when he drove home from duty for dinner. After that he took the truck for the night so he had some way of bringing the PS3, his laptop and dvd case back. So early on Monday morning was the first time he actually thought "Hey, where is my helmet?" Well, knowing him, he probably left it on the bike, or the back of the truck when he came in for his dinner break thinking he would be riding the bike back out. Well when I said take the truck, he probably didn't think anything of the helmet and it either was stolen or fell off the back of the truck when he drove back to duty. So now we have to buy him another helmet and those things are not cheap.

Now, I sit here wondering when does life calm down? When will there be a day that I'm not mad, heartbroken, sad or dealing with a sick child? Will there be a just happy day again? When did those stop? I'm not depressed I'm just realizing that life is mean. This post-deployment is much harder than our last. I think that is partly to blame and then there is life that is mixed in to add a little bit of craze to the process of trying to become a family again.

Garden Update Week Two!

After seeing pictures of a friend's garden blooming I had to go out and check to see if mine was!

 They are blooming! I'm so excited!! I do need to go get cages to put around the tomatoes and cucumbers (thank you Jamie for reminding me!) so I am running out this afternoon to get some. I think it's looking really good! Except for a few cucumber plants with yellow leaves towards the bottom but I'm working at this! It's my first garden and I think it may come out well! Wooo hoo! This is really exciting! C'mon veggies groooooow!

One Itsy Bitsy Step At A Time!

So after spending yesterday in this mope like state, being cranky and ready to snap at anyone who looks at me funny, I got an ok night of sleep and decided when I woke up that I would find a way to do some wii fit this morning. I know it's not much but I gotta start some where right? I need a shower but with Eli that is very difficult. He doesn't like me leaving him alone and there isn't really any place to leave him that's baby proofed completely so I can leave him unattended, well besides his crib but he gets pissed at that. So I'm going to wait until nap time to complete that task. But since I'm stinky I can probably get some stuff done around the house. I need to sweep and mop the downstairs. I need to catch up on laundry. Lemme tell ya, the only ONLY down side to cloth diapering is having to stop once you get on a roll with laundry to wash some diapers. They need extra care once a month, stripping them so they maintain their absorbency and don't start to smell every time urine touches them. But I enjoy not having to buy disposables. I hated that smell in my trash can. Now I have a separate little can on my dryer that holds my cloth diapers and for some reason those don't smell as bad as my trash can did with disposables.

After my shower, which I plan on running for as soon as I lay Eli in his crib at nap time... C'mon 9:30!! LOL Maybe I'll be able to blow dry my hair for the 2nd time in a row instead of just throwing it up in a pony tail which I've been sporting for about 2.5-3 years now. Wonderful huh? Then if Eli isn't screaming from his crib, I'll throw on some foundation and slowly add until I'm finished. Because with my luck I'll get foundation on, one eye with shadow and Eli will start screaming in his crib or Jayson will cause a ruckus down stairs. Yes, I said ruckus. I'm so old! If I can keep up this hoge poge of a routine then maybe I'll start feeling a little better about myself. Then I can start adding to my very limited make up bag and wardrobe! I'm feeling a little better about myself today. I've actually let out what I needed to let out and now that I know why I feel the way I do, I can start taking the steps to change it. Lets just see how long this motivation keeps up.

Eventually, I also need to go out and tend to my garden! LOL  It's been a few days because of the rain that didn't hit until yesterday! I'll get out there today no matter whether it's raining or not. It needs to be tended to or I won't have beautiful veggies in a few months!

Well, the boys are done with breakfast and begging me to turn on some tv or entertain them so off we go!

I'm still a woman....

even though I'm a mom and a wife.

I still want things, have desires and aspirations. I still have feelings, am self conscious and care about others. I believe a lot of who I am has been set aside so I can be a mom and a wife. I stay home to provide the best for my family. Somewhere in there I lost being myself. I became the responsible, disciplinary serious one in our house and I hate who it's made me become. How do I find a middle ground? How do I enjoy myself and my interests while still being a good mom, wife and housekeeper?

I would love to just go get my hair done, my nails done, buy new clothes, shoes, go out with friends, to the movies, to dinner but I sacrifice. I would love to be a beautiful woman again instead of this exhausted mom, housekeeper, wife. By the time I get to shower, doing my hair is time that the kids just don't give me. I never wear make up. I don't feel pretty. I used to think I was but now I don't feel good about myself. I'd love to lose weight. There is a lot going on in my head and I feel very overwhelmed with it all. The bottom line is everything from losing weight, eating right, to getting my hair cut and buying new make up takes money. And money isn't something I like to just spend on myself. I always feel that the kids need it and my husband deserves it before me. So I've put myself at the end of the list and even when I do end up getting something for myself I balance it by cutting my expenses short and buying something for either Jay or the kids.

I do the finances so I know when we're broke and I can't spend money on me or if I do have a little money to spend I feel guilty knowing we're tight or whatever.

I would love a new vehicle. I want something with more seating and space inside for the kids and all their stuff. I am feeling very defeated lately and it's depressing. The last time I wore make up was when Jay came home from Iraq in September 2009. The last time I had my hair cut was April or March of last year. I just don't take care of myself and I'm starting to really hate who I'm becoming. I feel dumpy and gross. Even when I'm clean and kinda put together I feel ugly. My clothes are ugly, my shoes are old and I don't feel good. How do other moms do it? How do they get to shower, do their hair, put on nice clothes and look pretty every day? I want to know. Someone tell me. Where do they get the energy and the time? For goodness sakes, I went to modeling school when I was a teenager but I just don't have the confidence anymore to look pretty. Even when I get myself dressed up I don't feel good now, I feel like I'm too far gone to come back to that self confidence that I used to have. It's like I want someone to just walk in and show me. Pamper me or make me over. LOL I'd love that. To be pampered and shown how because if someone else stands there and tells me this looks good or doesn't look good it will help me feel more confident in my own skin. I can't do that for myself anymore. Is it because I had kids? Because I gained a little big of weight? Or is this the natural progression of becoming older?

I want to try harder. I AM going to try harder but where do I start?